A few months ago, Jono and I were given some uncertain news regarding Baby J’s heart. During one of our sonograms, we discovered there was a calcification in Baby J’s heart. We believed and prayed that the next time we would have our sonogram, that the calcification would disappear supernaturally. But when we returned four weeks later for our next appointment, the calcification was still visible. We were referred to a specialist who could do an enhanced scan of Baby J’s heart to ensure the calcification was not impacting blood flow or heart function. During the week that we were in waiting, we prayed and believed that our baby was whole and healthy. I remember having coffee with my pastor and for the first time since we were given the updates about Baby J’s heart, I broke down in front of her. I shared how I hadn’t felt any anxiety or fear regarding the health of our baby. And how that in itself was a miracle. That the peace that I was experiencing was an answer to prayer after years of struggling with anxiety in some form in every season. Something she shared with me was how that peace I was experiencing was from Jesus. An effect of the trust we had in Him and our heart posture of letting go of control and trusting that He had Baby J. My pastor also shared with me how my love for our baby was just a glimpse of how much God loves our baby. And even though that was a truth that I knew- hearing it in this valley moment spoke volumes. It helped me remember that God loves our baby more than we ever could. And at this time, we were coming to the end of our second trimester and I had yet to even start thinking about our nursery, registry, or really anything that called for action on my end to prepare for the baby’s arrival. I didn’t realize it until that moment that fear had been keeping me from jumping in to getting things ready for the baby. Fear that something would happen to our baby. And it took my pastor, reminding me of this truth for me to start preparing for our baby’s arrival in faith that our baby is healthy.
And a few weeks ago Jono and I had our appointment with the specialist. As the specialist did the sonogram, we got to see our baby’s heart in action. It was so crazy to see atriums and the blood moving through the heart. Once he was done with the scan, he looked me in the eye and said, “I still see the calcification that was seen before. But you’re too healthy to be one of my patients. Your baby is too healthy to be one of my patients. Your baby’s heart is beating strong and working as it should…” And y’all, as soon as he finished giving us his report and left the room, I couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. I was blown away by how a prayer that we had prayed was answered even if it wasn’t in the way I hoped it would be. I had prayed that the calcification would just disappear, but even though it was still there, it was not impacting our baby’s health and that’s what mattered the most.
It blows my mind to be totally honest. It blows my mind how such a love can even exist. This Agape love that only can come from and be modeled by God exceeds any love I can have for our baby, for Jono, for our dogs, for anyone. And my love for our baby is only a glimpse of how much God loves me…and y’all- that makes me emotional. To think that even me- someone who messes up, someone who does not have it all together, someone who struggles with anxiety could be loved so immensely.
So immensely loved that God came into this world for me in human form. All while knowing He would be persecuted and killed on my behalf so that I could have eternity with Him. And because of the sacrificial and unconditional love of God, we can trust Him completely “even when [we] walk through the darkest valley” because God is with us in every season (Psalm 23). God doesn’t ask us to have it all together before we come to Him. He already loves both me and you just as we are. God “knows everything about [you]” and loves you regardless of what you’ve done and regardless of what mess ups you will do in the future (Psalm 139). And there is nothing “in all creation [that] will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord…” (Romans 8).
Know that you are immensely loved. You are loved by a God who adores you. You are loved by God more than anyone in this world. You are God’s prized possession who He gave up His life for. In every season, hold that close to your heart…that you are immensely loved. He will never leave your side. God is with you in every season. Don’t let the world tell you otherwise.